Hey, you know how you’re always bitching about how you need to save money, but it’s impossible because these fucking bands and artists just won’t stop touring? Well, guess what? COVID-19 is here to answer your prayers, you sick fuck.
In all seriousness, your favorite band’s tour, the one you’ve been saving up for like eight months to buy tickets for, is probably canceled. Our friend the coronavirus has made sure that pretty much every concert is canceled everywhere forever. And shit, you probably also just realized that you’re out of toilet paper. Yes, life is pretty shitty everywhere right now. (I’ll cool it with all the shit talk when everyone cools it on hoarding toilet paper. Sorry for all the verbal diarrhea. Man, what a shit show this rant is turning out to be. Can I have my Pulitzer now?)
Anyway, you know what doesn’t cost nearly as much as a ticket to go see Rage Against The Machine probably not play anything new? Paying what you can for a local artist’s EP. You know what’s better for your wallet than buying a $60 Fall Out Boy hoodie that’s probably going to lose its zipper in like 2 months? Shooting your buddy $5 for one of his band’s 35 limited-edition t-shirts that you’ll be able to use as pajamas for the rest of your life. You know what’s way cheaper and better for your liver than pre-drinking a 6-pack of PBR before your friend’s show, asking him to lie and say you’re part of the band so that you don’t have to pay to get in, then spending way too much money on shots because you were already past your limit anyway and fuck it, yolo?
Not doing that.
Look, I know you really wanted to go see the X Ambassadors. Maybe you just got fired, or maybe your girlfriend dumped you and watching Avril Lavigne awkwardly stand on stage and sing Sk8er Boi would have given you just enough nostalgia feels to take the pain away for a night. Maybe your crush was going to be at Crobar (or whatever your town’s dive bar is) on Friday night and you wanted to get drunk enough to mosh into him/her before sheepishly apologizing and then spilling your beer. But trust me, you’ll feel a hell of a lot better next month when you don’t have to borrow money from your mom to pay your rent.
And hey, now you can actually do that thing you always say you’re going to do and support your local scene. Because let’s face it, local artists and promoters are the real victims of this whole outbreak situation. Oh, and boomers. Definitely boomers. Whatever. Wash your fucking hands.
Written by Syd Ghan
*Edited by Dominic Abate